Bureaucracy!

Bureaucracy. The best word to describe the NIH and the NCI in just one word is bureaucracy.

I'll rewind a moment here. I admit it has been a while since I wrote anything. Sometimes it felt like it was worth writing, and sometimes it felt like there was very little new information.

I went into the office on Friday, March 5, and did paperwork. An hour of paperwork. In fact, there was a checklist of the paperwork that I had to complete before EOD (Entry On Duty). Poor DM, I sat at his computer and filled out my paperwork. Apparently, all the forms are online, but your computer has to be approved before you can access them. So I filled out a personal data sheet and a medical history sheet and bank direct deposit sheet and various others. I was then introduced to LC, the secretary for this part of administrivia at SAIC. She really is a sweetie. We had a sort of implicit agreement about the ridiculousness of all the paperwork. LC told me that my medical history needed to be signed by my primary care physician. My direct deposit form had to be signed by the bank. The physician was easier- I sent them a fax and asked that they sign it. It took a few days, but it came in. For the bank, I called the bank (which only has a physical presence in Texas) and told them about the direct deposit thing. They immediately faxed their own direct deposit form with a signature on it. Not good enough for the US government. It has to be their form, even though both had all the same information! I called the bank back, and they said that it might take three business days to deal with this particular form. Grr. When I had done all I could there, DM told me about an event that evening. They were having a going-away party for one of his post-doc fellows, and I was invited. He told me how to get to the restaurant, and even printed out something with the address and a review.

I went back home. JK had a lot of trouble understanding that I had gone into work for less than two hours and was already back... He works from home and is plainly aware of my comings and goings. I hung out and did very little. I looked at my clock and realized that I was already a half hour late for the dinner thing. DM had said that he was planning to be at least a half hour late, so I figured I was still pretty safe. I went. I only got a little lost getting over there, but my phone corrected me (if you have not heard me praise the Android phone operating system from Google, this is the first such praise). I got to the restaurant, which appears to be a converted mansion. It was quite large. I did not see DM, but I saw LC. She apparently works there as a second job in the evenings as a hostess. She pointed me in the right direction. DM was happy to see me. He introduced me to everyone around the table including his 10-year-old daughter. Whenever he felt appropriate, he would turn to me and explain something someone had said, or about some relationship. He wanted to make sure that I understood the inside jokes. It was pretty welcoming. Eventually, he had them bring in the bill. He wouldn't let anyone help pay. I was kind of glad of that myself, but the colleagues were miffed. Apparently, he has pulled this stunt before, and no one likes it. Hell, if my boss wants to pay for my dinner, who am I to complain? He left with his antsy daughter, and I learned that all the staff love him. They invited me to karaoke on Tuesday night. I neglected to ask details, but DM had explained earlier that the karaoke bar is this super redneck affair. You walk in there and realize that you have more teeth than three other patrons put together. It sounded exciting to me.

DM was going to be in Bethesda on Monday, so I should call Tuesday to come in for preliminary blood tests and getting an ID badge. I called Tuesday, and he said that LC had said that they were still waiting on things to process so I should come in on Thursday. I asked about karaoke that night, and he said that thought it would be at Cactus Flats, but he did not know a time. I figured that 8 PM was pretty much a good time for karaoke on a weeknight. I got to Cactus Flats around then, and only saw rednecks. I left, my urge to socialize not fulfilled.

Hampshire spring break started that Friday (March 11). AK decided that she was going to miss class on Wednesday and Thursday and come down to visit on Wednesday. The original plan had been that she would leave around 5 AM, and get here probably around 3 (Google Maps said it was a seven hour trip, but she figured it would take her eight). I got up fairly early. Not actually early, but for someone that had no real reasons to be up for quite some time, 9:30 felt early. I took a shower, made some breakfast, saw JK. He asked if I had anything planned for the day, and I reminded him that AK was coming to visit. He asked about when she would be showing up, and all seemed reasonable. Suddenly, I got a call from AK. I figured she would tell me that she was taking a pit-stop, and would be here in a few hours. Instead she said, "So, I think I am parked outside your condo." It was before noon. I went out, and there she was. Apparently she had trouble sleeping the night before, so she just left around 3 AM. I hung out with AK for the day and showed her around.

I came in on Thursday. Believe it or not, I filled out more paperwork. Also, the bank still had not faxed back the direct deposit form (nor had school sent in proof of enrollment, but I expect Hampshire to be a little slow). I called the bank, spoke to three different people of varying hierarchy levels, and the last one said that she would send it in just a few minutes. Is there anything else that I would like to do? She noticed that I don't have car insurance in my name on my account, and would I like to transfer the insurance to my name and my account? No thanks. I will let my parents pay for car insurance as long as they are willing to do so. The fax came in, and I was pretty well set up. I should come back in on Tuesday to get my blood drawn and picture taken.

LC sent me an email on Monday with more bureaucracy. I needed to complete an information technology security course online. It actually took about an hour, but I learned all about how to make awesome passwords and that I should not share them with anyone.

I came in on Tuesday, March 16, to get my health inspection. I would say it was a physical, except it was not. I never saw a doctor, but hung out with the same nurse for about 20 minutes. Both when I was making my presence known for the appointment and when the nurse was verifying my identity, they REALLY wanted me to have an NIH employee ID number. I did not have such a thing. I gave them permission to store some of my blood, so that if I came in contact with any blood-born pathogens they would have a comparison. They also ran a test to make sure that I had significant immune-system defense against hepatitis B; DM had apparently written that I would be working with human cell lines and would therefore be in a high(er)-risk environment. That was new to me.

LC scooped me up from the Occupational Health Services, and brought me to the ID badge room. I presented my license to prove my identity, and the clerk asked me to take a seat. I figured I would be waiting, but she said, "Tell me when you are ready to take the picture." I said that I was, and she asked me to look at the camera. There was a black box upon a tripod near the ceiling that had been indicated. I had figured it was a surveillance-type video camera. I half-smiled while trying to look natural (it is so difficult to take a good ID picture!). Moments later, she handed me an ID card! It was quite cool and quick. And the picture came out fairly well aside from a bright white light spot on my forehead.

LC took me out to a table in the lobby area that had vinyl ID holders and various lanyards. I picked a lanyard, grabbed a vinyl cover, and then she took me to the building that my lab would be in. It was an outdoor building maze getting to that building. When we got there, the door that she wanted to use was in a hard-hat under-construction area. We found a different door, and it had a sign that said, "For access to this building see Protective Services." She tried her ID to open the door, no luck. She told me to try mine. I did, and it worked. Pretty cool.

She introduced me to SW. SW does administrivia for this building. I think she might be considered a lab manager. SW handed me a piece of paper that had my initial login credentials. The two of them, LC and SW, walked me to my workstation. It had not even occurred to me that I would have a computer space all to myself. Actually the space I was in was much more office-like than [my mind's idea of] lab-like.

LC bid me farewell, but told me that there was still plenty more bureaucracy to deal with, and that she would email me. SW had me log in and get situated slightly before introducing me to TA. TA is apparently the head of my lab or something. They have not made titles well known to me. He has an office all to himself (whereas there are six other people in the room I am in), so he must be important. He fetched AB, who it turns out is pretty much my mentor. So the scientist hierarchy is something like: Tal works under the direction of AB, who directs a project under TA, who reports to DM, who know longer actually does science but directs it.

TA and AB had a little interview with me in TA's office. It was a little bit awkward. I could not see both of them at once because of the location of the chair I was directed to sit in; I had to look left to look at TA, and look right to look at AB. They were asking about how I got where I was at that moment (I did not direct them to read this blog...), what is my major, that sort of thing. They were trying to understand how much experience I (hadn't) had. I actually noticed TA's outfit half-way through. HE was wearing a very nice sweater, pretty nice non-worn blue jeans, and stylish black velcro shoes. Each one looked good in its own right, but they did not really go together. At some point, TA said something like, "Yea, we did not know you were even a possibility until DM told us this weekend." !!!! I was a little aghast. But, then I thought about DM and it made plenty sense. AB made mention that he could not understand how science was done before the internet. TA said that you would go to the library, pull a whole bunch of journals of the shelves, look up keywords in the index, read the abstract for the article, read the references, etc. I agreed with AB. It is so much faster now. TA said that when he was in grad school he had a professor who said, "You kids these days. You don't know how to do real science. You just know how to use kits!" TA responded, "But at least we get things done and learn new things. Your generation just made excuses for why experiments did not work."

We finished the interview with TA saying he would assemble a bunch of journal articles/scientific papers for me to read over the next few days so that we would all be on the same page. And that TA would show me where to go for lunch and would eat with me.

We went to lunch, and the cafeteria is actually pretty nice with reasonable prices. We both had buffalo chicken wraps, his with chips and mine with pretzels. We chatted for a bit, and I got to know him. He is from Iceland, did undergrad there. Did grad and post-doc in the US with his post-doc appointment at the NIH. He went back to Iceland, and came back here (to the NIH/NCI) less than three years ago. He seems like a great guy, and really wants me to ask questions and to learn a bunch during my tenure here.

The rest of the day was spent back in bureaucracy land. I had received the email from LC, which said something like, "Welcome to the NCI! Here is what you have to make sure you have done:" A whole welcome site full of fill this out, take this course, do this orientation. I did an ethics training course online that took about an hour. I did an orientation to the NIH that also took about an hour. I have to admit that these online courses are really well made. You have to answer questions so that they are sure that you understand the material. Finally, five o' clock came, and I left. No one mentioned that they were going to play Taps. I left my building at about 4:55, and proceeded to my car. There were military folks and contractors (I am on a base) talking jovially about the end of the day. Suddenly, a base-wide PA system blew out Taps. For those of you who do not know, Taps is tune often played at flag ceremonies, funerals, and other formal gatherings. It is very solemn, and is most often a closing. You may also know it by the name Vespers (used in Scouting) or Day is Done, which are the first words of the second verse. When the PA came on, everyone around me paused mid-word, faced in a particular direction, and stood at attention. I did the same. We waited for Taps to end (they did at least two verses), and I went home. Thus ended the bureaucratic saga.